Category Archives: The Wit and Wisdom of Dylan Raszewski, Age 3

It’s Been a Hard Day’s…

Scene: DYLAN’s room. Bedtime. DYLAN and DADDY are playing with his remote-controlled robot, who is fighting a fuzzy bear slipper.

DADDY
Okay, we have to finish up and lights out.

DYLAN
But the bear isn’t the Big Boss. If he calls the Big Boss, the robots will have to fight him.

DADDY
Dylan, it’s ten minutes past lights out. I think we’re going to have to defeat the bear and call it a night.

Dylan holds the robot remote to his ear as though it’s a phone

DYLAN
(to remote)
mumble mumble

DYLAN
(to DADDY)
Okay. I called in the knight. He’ll be here in a few minutes to defeat the bear.

Dylan’s Sunday Round-Up, August 9, 2015

Scene: MOMMY is trying to jump-start her car. DYLAN has woken DADDY early for some company.

DYLAN: Why mommy’s car not working?

DADDY: Someone left the light on in her car all night so the battery died

DYLAN: You mean the dome light? (nb: DYLAN has previously gotten in trouble for leaving the dome light in DADDY’s car on)

DADDY: Yes.

DYLAN: Well I didn’t do it. Did you do it?

DADDY: No.

DYLAN: Then I think Mommy did it. Because she’s the only one left in our family.


Scene: DYLAN and MOMMY have just returned from church

DADDY: How was church?

DYLAN: Good.

DADDY: What did the priest talk about?

A pause. DYLAN struggles to remember.

DYLAN: (dismissively) Nothing you’d be interested in.

(later)

MOMMY: Oh. Dylan briefly lost his pants in church.

I see a long future in Constitutional Law

Scene: DADDY is watching a show. DYLAN wants to watch Dinosaur Train. DADDY has agreed to let him watch his show once DADDY’s show is finished

 

DYLAN: How much time does your show have?

DADDY pauses his show, causing a blue indicator bar showing the progress of his show

DADDY: Twenty minutes

Thirty seconds pass

DYLAN: Now how much time does your show have?

DADDY: A little less than twenty minutes

Thirty seconds pass

DYLAN: Daddy, now how long your show has?

DADDY: Ninteen minutes

Fifteen seconds pass

DYLAN: Now much longer your show is now?

DADDY: (irritated) Dylan, you’re nagging. If you ask me how long the show is one more time, you won’t be allowed to watch your show at all.

DYLAN: Even if I say please?

DADDY: Even if you say please.

DYLAN: Why?

DADDY: Because when you are a nag, people don’t want to do nice things for you.

One minute passes

DYLAN: Daddy?

DADDY: Yes?

DYLAN: (thinking) Can you… Show me… The blue line? The line that says how much of the show there is?

DADDY: … Touche, son.

Easter Vignettes

A few days before Easter. Dylan is in the dining room on all fours, contemplating some early Easter candy.

Dylan: Woof woof! I’m a doggie! I please have some candy?

Daddy: Sorry. Chocolate isn’t good for doggies.

Dylan: (As though Daddy is very dim) I’m just pretending to be a doggie.


The Saturday Before Easter.

Dylan, at bedtime, after a long array of hugs, kisses, and goodnights from visiting family: “All this love is makin’ me sleepy.


Easter Sunday. Mommy has hidden chocolate Easter eggs for an Easter Egg Hunt after Dinner.

An hour or so before dinner:

Dylan: (Holds up a chocolate egg) Look! I found this! Can I have it?

Mommy: It’s not time for the Easter egg hunt yet! I need to know which one that is so we can make sure we find them all later. Where did you find that one?

(Dylan holds up a flattened foil wrapper.)

Dylan: It was inside this.

 

If he ever figures it out, we’re done for.

Scene: A few days before Christmas. DYLAN is upstairs. MOMMY has retreated to the library to wrap presents. DADDY is in the family room.

DYLAN (oov)

Daddy? Where mommy is?

DADDY

I’m not sure, son. Are you ready to go up to bed?

DYLAN

Not yet, Daddy. I was just… I just went upstairs so you wouldn’t see me unwrap the lollypop.