Category Archives: The Wit and Wisdom of Dylan Raszewski, Age 4

Conversations with my son

I’m a bad existentialist parent.

DYLAN and DADDY are on the way home from a craft fair.

DYLAN: I don’t believe Santa is real.

DADDY: Okay. I imagine he doesn’t believe in you either.

DYLAN: Why?

DADDY: Well, if he’s not real, how’s he supposed to believe in you?

DYLAN: Well, Santa’s supposed to be a good guy, right?

DADDY: Yeah. I think so.

DYLAN: But Santa comes into everyone’s house without asking. Like a robber.

DADDY: That’s… a good point. But wait, didn’t you write a letter to Santa asking him to bring you things?

DYLAN: I don’t think so. I don’t know how to read.

DADDY: But you saw him at the mall and sat on his lap, didn’t you? (Suddenly panics that he might be about to imply that sitting on a man’s lap grants implicit consent for him to visit you in the night)

DYLAN: No.

DADDY: I have pictures.

DYLAN: Oh. But I don’t think that was the real Santa. I think that was a man in a costume.

DADDY: Yeah. I think Santa has helpers for stuff like that.

DYLAN: Okay. Then I guess maybe Santa is real, if he has helpers.

 

A Partial List of Questions My Son Has Asked Which Are More Difficult To Answer than “Can two dudes get married?”

(War of the Worlds will be back next week.)

  1. Daddy, why would the police shoot a little boy?
  2. Daddy, is Donald Trump bad?
  3. Daddy, what’s war?
  4. Daddy, why do some people think Donald Trump is good?
  5. If there was a bad guy, should I sacrifice myself to save Evelyn?
  6. Daddy, what’s hell?
  7. (While watching a nature documentary) Daddy, what’s that boy impala doing to that lady impala?
  8. (Later) What’s that boy stag beetle doing to that lady stag beetle?
  9. (Seriously?) What’s that boy crab doing to that lady crab?
  10. (Why is there a solid half-hour of this nature documentary devoted to watching animals boink?) What’s that water buffalo doing to that lady water buffalo?
  11. Are sharks bad?
  12. What happens when we die?
  13. Why doesn’t mommy have a penis?
  14. Does it hurt trees when they lose their leaves?
  15. Why did they cancel Larry Willmore?

 

For years, the religious right told me this conversation would be hard.

Scene: Interior, night. The kitchen. DADDY is washing dishes.

DADDY
Where’s my ring? (Looks down to family room) Oh. There it is.

DYLAN
I never saw your ring before.

He runs down to look at it and comes back.

DYLAN
Oh. I’ve seen your wedding ring. You always wear your wedding ring.

DADDY
Yes, except when I’m doing something that gets my hands wet

DYLAN
I never wear a wedding ring. Because I’m not even married!

They laugh.

DYLAN
Boys only marry girls. Boys can’t marry boys.

DADDY
Boys can marry other boys if they want.

DYLAN
You’re telling a joke! That’s so silly!

DADDY
No, really. Most boys marry girls and most girls marry boys, but some boys marry boys and some girls marry girls and that’s fine too if it’s what they want.

DYLAN
Oh. I think I’d rather marry a girl. I don’t think I’d marry a boy.

DADDY
Okay.

DYLAN
Especially not [REDACTED]. He’s naughty. Well, he’s getting better. He used to be a lot naughtier when we were in the four-year-old classroom. Also, he uses a lot of potty words.

And it’s not like I let him watch The Walking Dead or anything.

Scene: After dinner. DADDY is loading the dishwasher.

DYLAN
My friend at school likes zombies.

DADDY
Oh?

DYLAN
Are zombies scary?

DADDY
Yes

DYLAN
Why?

DADDY
Because they eat people.

DYLAN
That’s scary. You should run away from zombies.

DADDY
Yes, generally.

DYLAN
Unless you want to get eaten. If you want to get eaten, you should hunt for zombies.

DADDY
I suppose so.

DYLAN
Or if you want to kill zombies. But for that, you need a sword. Or arrows.

DADDY
Um… Yes?

FIN

Bargaining

The Family Room. A few days after Christmas. DYLAN and DADDY are sitting on the couch. DYLAN is playing Marvel’s Ultimate Spider-Man on his new LeapTV video game console.

DYLAN
Daddy, will you ever take my video games away?

DADDY
I don’t want you. But if you’re really naughty I might have to. For a little while.

DYLAN
(thoughtful)
Actually, Daddy, my favorite toy right now is… Is…. Is… Um…

DYLAN looks around the room. He sees an old toy shopping cart he’s given little thought to in years.

DYLAN
Is… My toy shopping cart