Category Archives: The Wit and Wisdom of Dylan Raszewski, Age 2

Conversations with my son

November 9, 2014: The Day I Officially Lost The Battle

Scene: DYLAN is in the kitchen, searching his Halloween Candy Bag. DADDY is in the family room.

DYLAN: I’m going to have a lollipop.

DADDY: Don’t open another lollipop. You already have two open lollipops.

DYLAN does not answer, but holds up an unwrapped lollipop

DADDY: Did you already unwrap the lollipop?

DYLAN: Yeah.

DADDY: Fine. But no more candy until after dinner.

DYLAN: Okay. No more candy.

DYLAN joins DADDY in the family room.

DYLAN: I knew you were going to come up and stop me so I unwrapped the lollipop.

DADDY: What?

DYLAN: (smug) You were going to come to the kitchen and say no so I took the wrapper off right away.

DADDY: Dylan! That was naughty.

DYLAN: Why?

DADDY: I do not even know how to answer that!

Gluconeogenesis

Scene: int. Family Room, day. DYLAN and DADDY are playing. DYLAN finishes some candy he had asked for on the pretext that his toy alligator wanted some.

DYLAN: Oh no! I forgot to give some candy to my friend alligator!

DADDY: That’s okay. I know. Since he’s a toy alligator, maybe he’d like pretend candy. Maybe you could make him some candy in your kitchen.

DYLAN: (incredulous) You don’t make candy in a kitchen!

DADDY: Sure you do! Where do you think candy comes from?

DYLAN: (condescending) It comes from the Easter Bunny. On Easter, the Easter Bunny bring it to our house.

DADDY: (laughing) Okay. But where do you think the Easter Bunny gets it?

DYLAN: (as though DADDY is very dim) From his easter basket.

 

This kid gets it

One thing Dylan’s latched onto recently is the idea that other things are like him in some ways and different in some ways. One of the most heartwarming moments I’ve shared with my son was a few weeks ago, when one of his friends was visiting: my little boy looked up from his playing and said, of his friend, “I’m just like her, but I’m a little different.”

A few weeks later, this scene ensued:

DYLAN and DADDY are on the sofa, talking about the movie Frozen

DYLAN: Is Elsa a bad guy?

DADDY: Well, not really. She just wanted everybody to go away and leave her alone.

DYLAN: Why?

DADDY: Because she was scared she might hurt somebody.

DYLAN: Why?

DADDY: You remember at the beginning? She was playing with her sister and she hurt her sister by accident.

DYLAN: Why?

DADDY: It was an accident. (sensing a teachable moment in the wake of several Dylan-throws-himself-on-Daddy’s-bad-shoulder incidents)Because she wasn’t careful.

DYLAN: Why she not be careful?

DADDY: I guess she didn’t know how. She was too scared so she didn’t learn how to use her snow power safely.

DYLAN: (thoughtful) I’m just like Elsa, but I’m not her.

DADDY: How are you like Elsa?

DYLAN: I’m like Elsa because I try to be good, but sometimes I’m not.

 

Childlike Profundity

Scene: DADDY and DYLAN are in DYLAN’S ROOM getting ready for bed.

DYLAN: I go to school. I see my friends.

DADDY: That’s right.

DYLAN: (thoughtful) Friends make you sad.

DADDY: (confused) What? No. Friends make you happy. Did something bad happen at school?

A pause. DYLAN is thinking

DYLAN: Friends make you sad when they go away.

Scene After a Late Breakfast

Scene: The morning after a snowstorm. DADDY and MOMMY are in the family room. DYLAN is in the kitchen with a waffle.

DYLAN enters the family room, holding a waffle.

DYLAN: (Indicating couch) I get up! (Holds out his hand) I need help!

MOMMY: Oh, Dylan, finish your waffle first.

DADDY hands DYLAN a tissue

DADDY: Wipe your hands

DYLAN wraps the waffle in the tissue and places it on top of his toybox

MOMMY: Don’t put that there. Why don’t you eat the rest of your waffle? Here, bring it to me.

DYLAN: No, mommy. I might need it later.

Fin

This Bodes Ill

Scene: A Friday afternoon. DYLAN and DADDY are in the family room. DADDY has been incapacitated by a painful neck spasm for several days.

DYLAN approaches DADDY holding his thumb up.

DYLAN: Boo-boo, Daddy! Ice! Ice!

DADDY: You have a boo-boo on your thumb? You want some ice?

DYLAN: Okay, yeah.

DYLAN and DADDY go to the kitchen. DADDY opens the freezer

DADDY: Okay Dylan, let’s get you some ice.

DYLAN: No, Daddy, no ice. Candy.

DYLAN points to the bucket of leftover Halloween candy in the foyer.

DADDY: (after a moment) Okay. You can have a piece of candy.

DYLAN runs to the foyer. DADDY closes the freezer door and follows.

DADDY takes a Fun-Size Nestle Crunch Bar, unwraps it, and gives it to DYLAN

DYLAN: Daddy, some?

DADDY: You already have some.

DYLAN: Daddy some. Daddy eat candy too?

DADDY: You want Daddy to have some candy too? Okay.

DADDY selects a Fun-Size Milky Way bar

DYLAN: No, Daddy! Blue candy!

DADDY returns the Milky Way bar to the bucket and takes a Nestle Crunch Bar

DYLAN: (holds up his candy bar) Dylan, Daddy, candy: same thing!

DADDY: (chuckles) That’s right, Dylan. They’re the same.

DYLAN: (excited) Daddy, eat candy. Candy make Dylan boo-boo much better! Make Daddy boo-boo better?

DADDY: (astonished) Dylan, did you want Daddy to have the blue candy because Daddy had a boo-boo in his neck?

DYLAN: Yeah!

DADDY: (a beat) Thank you, son.

Fin

As it turns out, I like being a parent

Scene: Night. DYLAN’s Room. DYLAN is jumping on the bed as DADDY watches.

DADDY: Dylan. Remember when the monkeys were jumping on the bed?

DYLAN: Oh yeah!

DADDY: And one fell down and broke his head?

DYLAN: Yeah!

DADDY: And mommy called the doctor. And what did the doctor say?

(A Pause. DYLAN is thinking)

DYLAN: TARDIS?

Another One of my Favorite Parenting Moments

Scene: It is November. DYLAN, DADDY and MOMMY are seated at the kitchen table, eating pizza. DYLAN places a half-eaten slice of pizza on the table and starts sliding it around.

DADDY: Stop that.

(DYLAN continues sliding the pizza)

DADDY: Dylan, no.

(Without breaking DYLAN’s grip, DADDY takes the pizza and puts it on the plate. DYLAN puts the pizza back on the table and resumes sliding it)

DADDY: Stop that.

(DYLAN continues sliding the pizza)

DADDY: Son, are you pushing your boundaries?

(DYLAN looks at DADDY with mild condescension)

DYLAN: No, daddy. Pushin’ pizza.

fin