Dear Mr. President,
Hi. I am writing to respectfully request that you consider my daughter Evelyn to fill the seat recently vacated by Justice Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court of the United States.
I realize that this is a somewhat unusual request, given that you have never met her, and that she is currently one week old. However, my study of article three of the United States Constitution informs me that there are no legal requirements levied upon Associate Justices of the Supreme Court as to age, the ability to speak, or whether or not the stump of the umbilical cord has fallen off. I hope you will agree that, with due respect to Justices Roberts and Ginsberg, she would undoubtedly give the court a much-needed boost in its level of cuteness.
As to her qualifications, I would point out that Evelyn currently sleeps between 16 and 20 hours a day, which places her well inside the median for current SCOTUS justices. She is a generally quiet baby, crying only when hungry. In this respect, she is slightly more talkative than Justice Thomas. Furthermore, as she currently lacks object permanence, you can rest assured that she would consider each case purely on its particulars (such as whether it contains bright lights and motion) rather than on preexisting biases. Indeed, according to the American Optometric Association, she is literally incapable of seeing color, except possibly red.
On a pragmatic level, given the outright hostility of Congress toward you performing your constitutionally-mandated duties by nominating a replacement, I believe my daughter would have certain advantages in the confirmation process. I can personally assure you that she lacks any legal or personal scandals in her past, and she has no past body of judicial work that could be held against her. Furthermore, I have personally never met anyone who has found Evelyn anything other than entirely charming. Even should Congress ultimately refuse to confirm my daughter, I think you will agree that there may be some political advantage in placing Senate Majority Leader McConnell in the position of explaining to the American people why he’s being so mean to a cute little baby.
Obviously, I realize that you have many excellent candidates under consideration for this august position, and it is obviously unlikely that you will ultimately nominate my daughter. But as the father of daughters, I hope you can understand why I would feel compelled to reach out in the hope of landing my child a respectable gig she can’t get fired from.
Besides, she doesn’t understand how logic works and throws a fit when she doesn’t get her way. If you put her on the court, probably no one would notice Scalia was even gone.
PS. If you don’t feel Evelyn is right for the job, I also have a four-year-old son who has a strong sense of justice and fairness, but I should warn you that his position on gun control is probably not what the country really needs at this time.