Hello little one. You're just sort of starting out now, and I don't want to lay anything too heavy on you. I'm full of joy, of course, and also other emotions not all of which I quite understand yet. And there's a whole great big world out there for you to get to know, and your days are going to be full of play and adventure and learning and love and eating and sleeping (Those in particular quite a lot at first), and I can't wait to get in on that.

But being a parent also brings along with it a pretty weighty sense of responsibility. And so, in the months leading up to our formal introduction, I put together this non-exhaustive list. I plan to teach you these things as we go and put them all in their proper context, but just in case, what with all the flu shots and teething and kindergarten and vaccinations and driver's licenses and prom and college and working and marriage you're going to be doing, I miss a couple of these, I wanted to have them all written down here in one place so you can go back and read them yourself once you've learned how to read.

Love,
Dad

1. Always cut the other guy some slack. You don't know what kind of a day he's having. Maybe his mom just died. And then you'd be a jerk.
2. It does not matter that the two words are etymologically unrelated. When you say "niggardly", it will hurt the feelings of some people. Now that you know this, if you use it anyway, you're intentionally hurting them. Don't do that, it makes you a jerk.
3. Don't hurt other people when you can avoid it. When you can't avoid it, don't try to convince yourself that they deserved it.
4. Intent isn't magic.
5. If someone demands you have a completely logically consistent moral system with no room for exceptions or mitigating circumstances, he's trying to trick you into committing to a system that can be manipulated to grind down on those who are already at a disadvantage.
6. If you know it's going to hurt someone and you do it anyway, you did too mean to hurt them.
7. Don't demand someone justify their pain to you. You don't get to tell someone that they shouldn't be upset over a racial slur or a misogynistic joke.
8. From the day you were born, you were better off than 90% of all the people who have ever lived, and the overwhelming likelihood is that nothing will ever happen so terrible that you won't live your entire life better off than 70% of them. Think about that if you're ever tempted to say "Sorry, I got problems enough of my own without being expected to help you out."
9. Every time you tell a racist joke, there's a closet racist somewhere nodding in approval and thinking "Yep, there's a guy who tells it like it is." Every time you tell a rape joke, there's a rapist somewhere nodding in approval and thinking "Yep, there's a guy who tells it like it is." Still seem funny?
10. You can't push a rope. F=MA. Manhole covers are round so they don't fall in. Every engineering problem you will ever encounter can be solved by derivation from these three laws. But not efficiently.
11. No matter how dark it gets, remember: In this place and at this time, there is someone right here, right now, who loves you. No matter what.
12. There is at least one person who is worse off than you are right now. Don't make things worse for them
13. It's tempting, but the thing you feel at the misfortune of others isn't real joy. It's an addictive joy-like form of unhappiness. There's a reason the Germans needed to invent a whole new word for it. Feeling it prevents you from feeling true joy.
14. Test everything. Hold on to the good.
15. Don't be a bully.
16. Permission is the bare minimum you must have. What you really want, though, is an invitation.
17. When someone tells you that you're hurting them, don't try to explain why the thing you're doing shouldn't be hurtful. Stop hurting them.
18. After the second round of Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe, the fact that you want to keep going in the hopes of getting a different answer means that you actually know which one you want to pick.
19. On second thought, "Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe" has an unfortunate racist backstory. Use this one instead:

    Ippy Dippy My Space-Shippy
    On a course so true,
    Past Neptune and Pluto's Moon
    The one I choose is you
    

20. Pay attention to your surroundings and what you're doing. Especially when driving.
21. Someday, someone is going to say "Oh yeah, if you're so tolerant, you have to tolerate my intolerance!" That person is a douchebag. Tell him so.
22. However tempting you may find it, other people are people. Do not forget that. Do not challenge that. Do not abide others to challenge it.
23. There is no such thing as a neutral stance on racism, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, islamophobia, or whatever other kind of bigotry is popular when you're reading this. Either you believe everyone is a full person deserving of full rights, equality, and basic human dignity, or you don't. And if you don't, you're a bigot and that's the end of it.
24. Own your decisions. This is even more important than making the right ones. If someone asks you why you did the important things you did in your life, "It just kinda happened," is a lousy answer.
25. If you think a wire may be live, touch it with the back of your hand. Better yet, don't touch it at all.
26. Getting the thing that isn't really what you want, but is cheaper than the thing you want is hardly ever a good deal.
27. People remember you fondly when you make a point of being nice to them.
28. Hold a peppermint patty up to your ear and break it in half some time. The sound it makes is really neat.
29. Learn all the words to the songs you like to sing along to. The other people in the car will thank you.
30. By virtue of your sex, your skin color, the language you speak, the place you live, you carry around a knapsack of privileges that other people don't have. They're not necessarily bad things, but remember that these are privileges, and that not everyone has them. There are things you will take for granted as your god-given right that other people can't do. If you walk down a street alone at night and are attacked, no one's going to say "Well, he shouldn't have been out unescorted." If you fail a math test, no one's going to say "Yeah, those people suck at math."
31. Contrariwise, there will be things other people have to do to keep body and soul together that cross the line of societal acceptability. Don't do those things yourself, but have some empathy for people who have to.
32. Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority
33. Tipping is not optional. If the service was terrible, you leave a tip, and you also complain to the manager. Waitstaff are paid below minimum wage by an amount that assumes you will tip them, so when you don't, you are stiffing them on their wages. Yes, I know this is a terrible system and we should not let people be paid below the minimum wage on the assumption of tipping. That does not excuse you for not tipping, and anyone who thinks they're striking a blow against the system is an asshole.
34. No means no.
35. Contrariwise, yes means yes.
36. Love isn't a license to hurt someone.
37. Modesty is only a virtue when it's deserved. Don't play down what you're really capable of.
38. People who insist you should always finish what you start don't start enough things. Hardly any that are really worthwhile.
39. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
40. Don't tell strangers that they should smile more.
41. Always use protection.
42. The poor do not exist for you to become a better person by giving to them.
43. If you find yourself apologizing in advance, you've still got time to not do the thing you're apologizing for.
44. Sometimes, you have to break the rules. But if you're not willing to face the penalty if you get caught, then this was not one of those times.
45. This world we live in isn't some kind of immutable law of nature that was inevitably destined to be as it is. It is the result of choices made by a lot of people over a long time. It may be daunting, but this world is your world, and ultimately you get to decide what that means. The world is, at any moment, what you say it is. So say.
46. Sometimes in life, you are going to be in a position where there isn't an option that doesn't harm someone. Take responsibility when it happens. Don't try to come up with a reason that the person who got shafted somehow deserved what they got. You made a choice, and if you can't deal with that, then you made the wrong choice.
47. All things in moderation. When I left for college, your grandfather took me aside, and instead of warning me off of alcohol and drugs and women, he gave me just that one piece of advice.
48. Be passionate when it's called for. There is no virtue in being moderate about the defense of justice, of liberty, of equality.
49. Don't blame the victim. Ever.
50. Do not side with the strong against the weak. End of story. If you're ever unsure, if you're ever unclear on a question like "Should we give tax cuts to the rich, or jobs programs to the poor?" or "Shouldn't we protect the rights of rich straight white male christians to oppress poor black lesbian pagan women as their religion requires?", you just say to yourself "Do not side with the strong against the weak," and then, do the thing that doesn't side you with the strong against the weak. Even if it seems dumb. Even if you've got a good, sound, logical reason for why the weak are in the wrong in this particular case. Do not side with the strong against the weak.

I love you, son.