Selene tries to talk Lex out of being a drunk, and Lex opens up to her, then tries to sleep with her. Which finally makes Ryan grow a pair and confront Lex. Lex’s Jack Sparrow imitation doesn’t help matters and it’s only Bray’s intervention that stops Ryan from out and out murdering him.
This ends with Lex getting thrown out of the Mall, leavign Ebony one step closer to her evil plan of total domination. By the way. she more or less explicltly told Katy Perry that she set her up in order to get rid of her as a threat to her power over Bray.
Ryan, who, in spite of being a moron, is probably the nicest guy on the show and may even be the most emotionally stable, declares that he doesn’t blame Selene, and that he does want to sleep with her, but he’s concerned that if he submits to his lust, it makes him no better than Lex. Ryan, if you think about Lex every time you get an erection, you’ve probably got some other issues to work out. But Selene will have none of Ryan’s homoerotic fixations, and beds him.
Ebony gives the prosecutorial speech at Katy Perry’s trial. Everyone finds her very convincing, because no one has noticed that everything Ebony has EVER said has been a lie. Bray, for the defense, gives a terrible speech, causing the episode to devolve into a clip show.
When Alice accuses Ebony outright, everyone is so pleased that someone has finally said the most obvious thing ever that it triggers a flashback to Ebony buying the poison. Now, we all knew that Ebony did the poisoning, so it’s not like we didn’t see this coming. Leah works it out for me: They’re trying to do a CSI thing. Thus, when Ebony accuses Katy Perry of being a spy for the Chosen, we have a flashback of the Chosen. And everyone finds this unsubstantiated accusation very compelling, because, as close as I can tell, they can see the same flashbacks as we do.
In fact, Katy Perry’s tissue of lies of a backstory turns out to be motivated by the fact that her dad created the Virus. Bray, to his credit, does not get confused and think that Katy Perry has just claimed that her father was a comet. Good thing it wasn’t Ryan taking her confession.
Leah thinks Katy Perry is overreacting, because it’s not like she created the virus, and I point out that we’re basically the only civilization in the history of mankind who hasn’t held children responsible for the sins of their fathers.
Bray tries to save Katy Perry by confessing to having told Ebony the formula, which for some reason makes her look even more guilty and gives Ebony even more power. (Some reason == “Because Bray is terrible, terrible at explaining things”)
Chloe and Patsy decided Katy Perry did it right away and haven’t been listening to the trial, really, because that might cause them to learn something that makes them reconsider their knee-jerk reaction. So the republican party will survive the apocalypse. So when the “not guilty” verdict comes in, they decide they’ll never trust Bray again, and run away or something.
Spike either takes the fall for the frame-up job, or Ebony frames him instead, they don’t specify which. He definitely leaves on some evil mission at Ebony’s order, but it’s not specified whether his mission is to take the fall, or sending him away was just an excuse to get him out of the way so he’d be a good fall guy.
Katy Perry puts her hair down, which makes her look less like Katy Perry. Also, she’s actually looked much more like Zooey Deschanel this whole time, but I can’t see myself spelling that name more than once.
Oh, I had a revelation in the shower last night. Pre-Zoot Martin looks exactly like Nick Stahl, circa Disturbing Behavior (I just discovered he was also John Connor in Terminator 3, but I did not recognize him at that).
Lex gives his last watch to Vanilla Ice in order to get into a bar, and promptly gets thrown out because Lex is unable to show affection in any form other than attempted rape.
Ryan and Selene are just about to do it when Dal reveals that he’s traded for some diesel and wants them to help him learn to drive a tractor, a distraction which gives Ryan a chance to — well, he’s about to have sex, so let’s guess what he thinks about. Seriously, every time this guy gets wood. Ryan’s consumed with guilt over Lex, and Seline sends him off to go find him.
Once everyone finds out Katy Perry’s deep dark secret, they decide that while they don’t actually hate her because her father ended civilization, they find her lying about it to be the same class of bad as the adults used to wipe themselves out. And since they can’t trust Bray, and they can’t trust Katy Perry, and they can’t trust Lex Luthor, Ebony suggests that she’d be a great leader, as she can be trusted.
Katy Perry decides to do a runner, and Bray tries to talk her down,. She doesn’t believe the others will ever forgive and forget, because she’s new to the cast — as Bray well knows, the Mallrats have the collective memory of a goldfish with head trauma.
Captain Jack Sparrow — sorry, Lex — pours his heart out to some strays in order to allow his healing process to begin. They steal the nothing he has, including his shoes.
Dal’s found a pentacle on the farm, causing Tyson for the first time to notice that the symbol of their tribe is a pentacl. She takes it as a sign that the symbol on the amulet Dal found just happens to be the same as the symbol of the Mall Rats which just happens to be one of the most ancient and common symbols in the history of western civilization.
Lex’s return beings with it the alarming news that it now appears the virus has run its course and the antidote is no longer a pressing need, which is a problem, since the need to get the antidote is basically the only thing holding civilization together at this point.
They decide to resolve this issue by not telling anyone, with leads to the series changing into a kind of absurdist political drama, with the gang organizing urban renewal, and Katy Perry granting divorces to ten-year-olds. Poor Lex finds himself confused by the sudden calling everyone finds to do real work, while Dal and Ryan moon over their first pumpkin, which is introduced along with a romantic remix of the theme music, which, as I have mentioned, is the only piece of incidental music they have.
Spike has decided he’s unhappy with having been framed, and begins to plot revenge. As people to have plotting your downfall go, I would totally want it to be Spike.
Spike has his legion of Michael Meyers impersonators grab Ebony when she shows up to intimidate him into submission. Like Trudy before him, once he’s got Ebony completely in his power, the first thing he wants is to make her shut up. I hope this becomes a pattern.
Leah points out that in the post-apocalypse, people have given up surnames. This makes me think about the tendency of people not to have last names in kids’ shows.
KC skips school in order to buy rotten tomatoes with which to feed the crazy kleptomaniac they keep locked up in the basement. Lex and Alice both take note of this, and at this point, I discover that Lex is the guy they’re talking about when they claim that there are people who say “to-mah-toe”.
In bondage, Ebony flashes back to Zoot, who apparently abused her in weird ways, giving Tyson a vision, which leads her to gather the Mallrats to go rescue her, which is complicated by the fact that (a) they don’t believe in her psychic visions, and (2) they don’t especially want Ebony back.
When Ellie and Jack catch Patsy, Chloe, and KC making book on which of the resident couples will have the longest snog of the day, she yells at them, causing Patsy to realize that she really needs to find herself a man. Yes. Really.
Since it appears that the virus has died out and no one needs the antidote any more, civilization is sort of hanging on by a thread, what with the threat of the virus being the only thing keeping everyone in line. Fortunately, the Mallrats carefully avoid letting anyone cotton on to this and thwart the rumors. Except for Lex. who gets in a fight with someone and shouts that he doesn’t need the antidote.
Which leads to everyone deciding that they don’t need the antidote, which basically ends civilization. Fortunately, Tyson and Alice rescue Ebony, which is fortunate, um, for some reason. But she’s been reduced to a gibbering wreck from being locked in a closet. No one’s interested in trade or farming or urban renewal or anything now that they don’t need the antidote. So, for example, thye trash Dal’s milk, because they don’t trust that it’s not secretly antidote, which they don’t need. Instead it’s food, which they also think they don’t need. Because the human race does not deserve to live.
And in case you missed the memo on how being locked in a dark place and ordered to beg for her freedom was linked to a traumatic incident in her past, and that’s why she cracked up like this, Tyson poorly summarizes the end of 1984 to make it explicit.
As Ebony suffers from a bad case of Zoot Flashbacks, an angry pitchfork-weilding mob descends on the mall, shouting that the Mallrats conned them out of the nothing they’d been paying for antidote. Fortunately, mention of Bray brings Ebony around, who promptly shouts down the angry mob by pointing out that the Mallrats gave them the antidote for free, climbed through a minefield, found the antidote, created trade, promoted the arts, and, the way she tells it, was experimenting on themselves to be sure that no one needed the antidote.
Bray whines that everyone listens to Ebony but not to him.
- Leah: That’s because she hasn’t lied to them so much.
- Ross: Everything Ebony has ever said has been a lie!
- Leah: She’s better at it.
- Ross: At least she’s consistent.
Tyson explains to Ebony that the key to her recovery is to admit her feelings for Bray, as if somehow Ebony had ever made any sort of secret about wanting Bray.
Meanwhile, back in reality, a thirty year old man (me) is sitting in his armchair with a pain in his back, humming “Aba Messiah”, the end theme to this show. His fiancee (that’s Leah) is in the kitchen, getting two glasses of plum wine. She suddenly shouts in that she really wanted me to pause the show and is annoyed that I haven’t. I explain that I have, some time ago. She says that it doesn’t sound like I did. This story should serve to illustrate that this show has no repitoire of incidental music.
Ellie wants to publish everything they know about the virus, but she knows that Katy Perry will be anathematized. But she really wants to publish, so she decides to ask Ebony’s opinion, because either Ellie is an idiot, or because she knows Ebony will tell her to fuck over Katy Perry.
Unimaginably, Ebony tells her not to publish, which either means that she’s really turned over a new leaf, or this is the most complex gambit ever.
Katy Perry and Bray have decided to invent money again. The system is this: At the beginning of the day, they loan each trader ten tokens. All day. they trade and make profit. At the end of the day. they reclaim ten tokens from each trader.
Leah actually makes me stop the video at this point so we can discuss the flaws with this system. I come to the conclusion that: ‘Yes, this system is based on the idea that if you just move money around fast enough, it will reproduce. However, I feel the need to point out that this is also the basis of our economic system.”
Episode 30 ends with Lex having let their entire economy be stolen while he’s sleeping it off, Ellie tearing up her newsletter because Katy Perry had to go and make herself seem like a real person who could get hurt instead of an abstract concept to betray in the name of journalism, and, um, there’s something up with Ebony.