The Tribe: Season 1 Finale

  • Sir Toppum Hat leads his merry band in their attack on the Mall, facing Jack’s many ineffectual Home Alone-style traps. They cause some comical pratfalls, but don’t actually slow them down or hurt any of them
  • A bunch of (literally) clowns have just totally owned the mall rats.
  • Hey, I wonder what became of all the actual weapons. Maybe New Zealand doesn’t have any.
  • Zandra, being the calm, rational sort, decides that it’s all Tyson’s fault for trying to cure Lex, and decides that instead of trying to stop the invasion, she’ll just try to kill Tyson instead.
  • Their best trap, dropping the gate to imprison Evil Boy George, nearly works, except that the gate gets stuck. Ryan just stands there watching in terror instead of, say, kicking the mad clown’s brains in.
  • Leah notes that the music during the fight, basically the only piece of incidental music in the show, is a terrible fit. I think it’s the tribal chanting bit from the background vocals to the song “Return to Innocence”. When that runs out, for no clear reason, they just switch to the instumental version of the theme music. Wait. Now they’ve introduced a new piece of music, an ass-kicking guitar version… of the same fucking song.
  • Using the last remaining plot twist from Captain Power evil Boy George turns the tables by revealing that… Contrary to expectations, none of the clowns are actually hurt. At which point everyone gives up
  • Top Hat’s version of tormenting his slaves seems to jsut be shaking them a bit and acting crazy. Seriously, they would not have lost if they’d proved willing to actually try to hurt someone.
  • Top Hat appears to be taking a shine to Zandra. Unfortunately, Top Hat shows affection the same way Lex Luthor does.
  • KC saves Zandra from a fate worse than being married to Lex by tugging on Boy George a bit until he falls off of Zandra. Again, hit him in the head until he stops moving. Instead, he just annoys Boy George, who locks up the tribe and leaves them to die when he sets the mall on fire.
  • At least the pile of junk Tophat sets on fire isn’t made of cars. Those burn forever
  • I’ve just figured out what the clown tribe’s fighting style reminds me of. Grover Dill from A Christmas Story. The way neither he nor his toady ever actually did anything, just sort of snarled menacingly and pushed people a little. Soon as someone tried to actually hurt them instead of inciting playground terror, they totally folded.
  • Note to kids: this only works on TV. Real bullies punch back. Real bullies are not cowards who cave when you stand up to them. Real bullies don’t think the way normal people do: they don’t comprehend that what they are doing is wrong, and will not comprehend that their actions have negative consequences.
  • Lex Luthor manages to convince Ebony to help by… Getting old at her. Seriously. The prospect that he’s been hanging around there infecting all of them with the virus makes Ebony get off her ass and come to save them all.
  • Ebony makes creepy suggestions to the tune of wanting to kidnap Brady while the Locos toss the joint.
  • After KLA ponies up the antidote, the others make a plan to recapture it from Ebony since they can’t possibly risk losing it. I am still hoping it turns out that the lab they raided was working on viagra.
  • Of course, they’re recaptured after three seconds, so Amber threatens to destroy it, up until Ebony threatens to toss Bray off the balcony, which is as close to killing someone as anyone can do.
  • Lex still doesn’t want to take the antidote, of course, even though he’s got a bad case of old, so Ebony forces it on her before buggering off with Bray and Lex in tow, Lex so they can see if he gets better, and Bray entirely to piss Amber off.
  • If they had an antidote, why did everyone die? I mean, it hardly seems like, when everyone in the world is about to die, you’d really have much to lose by not just trying it.
  • Also, if this turns out to be the antidote to a virus that has no cure, in a mutant strain that didn’t exist at the time, I am going to spank them
  • Ryan rescues their menagerie of pets from the broken-down lift using physical force. So far, violence has been the answer to everything
  • Ebony forces Lex to take more antidote. He drinks it
    • Leah: Unfortunately…
    • Ross: (Professor Farnsworth voice) It’s a suppository
  • Zandra decides to sell all her designer clothes and jewelry for food and stuff, and start being responsible and grown-up. If I didn’t dislike her so much, that’d be touching. Ryan, however, liked the vapid unpleasant Zandra.
  • The password protecting the virus files is “please”. Jackasses
  • Just want to remind you, this password goes to files found on CDs found in a lab that was set to self destruct if you didn’t give it the password.
  • The virus has stopped making Lex old, it’s just made him scrufty and covered in sores
  • Ebony has a swimming pool. I don’t know how New Zealand works, but if you left my parents’ pool unattended for a year, it’d be green.
  • Tyson announces that mirrors in the sleeping place is bad Feng Shuay, prompting me to give Leah a look over the fact that there are like four mirrors in our bedroom.
  • The toy helicopter that Dal took some batteries for earlier. It’s clearly a gas-powered helicopter
    • Leah: Maybe they needed the batteries for the remote.
    • Ross: Eight D-cell batteries?
    • Leah: They needed a lot of batteries to make up for not having any gas
  • Ebony insists that she’s changed, grown as a person. She explains this to Bray, who she is holding hostage. I guess she means that she’s changed, say, her pants.
  • It was polite of ConEvilCo to use full citations in the paper on the antidote to the virus that is as they were all dying of it
  • An apparently passed-out Lex is attacked by a Loco who appears to be wearing a leftover stillsuit from Dune
  • To help quench KC’s love of gambling, they bet on whether the dog or the pig will find a hidden cracker first. The pig’s skills lead it to the hidden treat on the couch first. Which is fine, because pigs are indeed good at tracking by scent. But… How did the pig climb up on the couch?
  • Lex Luthor makes it back to the mall, where his is promptly blown up by their newest boobytrap.
  • After Bray discovers that Lex has gone:
    • Ebony: What would you do? Hold him in your arms and nurse him tenderly until the end?
    • Bray: (pained) Yes!
  • Of course, the surveillance footage they manage to get inside Locoland shows Ebony on top of a Bray whose anger at the situation is not visible on the film. So Amber instantly decides that he’s decided he likes Ebony and has forgotten all about his tribe.
  • Leah’s leaving to visit her family over the weekend early Saturday morning, which has prompted us to consume this show with a sick obsessiveness, trying desperately to reach the season finale before she heads out. THis is kind of creepy.
  • Nice of the evil scientists to thoroughly footnote their journal article on the antidote (Viruses don’t have antidotes). This mentions something called “Eagle”. Which prompts them to say “Eagle”. Which, in Kiwi, is pronounced “Eggle”. Since I had to read the wikipedia article on characters in this show in order to remember their names, I happen to know that at some point in the future, Amber is going to be called “Eagle”. The thought of people calling her “Eggle” makes me smile.
  • Meanwhile, of all the people in the world to get cured, Lex Luthor is starting to look less like he’s wearing really unconvincing old-age makeup. Man, I and I was hoping he’d die.
  • Meanwhile, “eggle” turns out to refer to a mountain. As usual, KLA works out something important, and everyone else’s reaction is to assume he’s crazy and making shit up.
  • Ryan goes to apologize to Magenta for macking on Zandra, and asks if she’s asleep. She says yes, and Ryan believes her.
  • Lex Luthor’s hair turns ungray. Which would be silly, except that it went gray overnight. So its silliness is all used up
  • Ebony decides to go off and kill Amber as punishment for Bray not liking her. Won’t Amber be surprised.
  • Lex Luthor celebrates his recovery by reverting to being a total douchebag. Also, he draws a beard on himself.
  • Tyson finds Lex recovered, and declares it to be the work of her spiritual visions. She also had a vision of an eagle and a mountain. KLA they ignore. Groovy New Age Spiritual Girl, they believe.
  • Zandra again does her “I’d rather we all die of the virus than we do something Tyson wants to do.”
  • KC Tells Lex how Sir Toppum Hat tried to have his way with Zandra, and Lex Luthor gets all angry and wants to launch a suicide attack on the crazy-eyed psycho. Lex is an asshole when he’s mad… And also all the rest of the time
  • And, woohoo, Ryan and Magenta smoochies.
  • And so the gang sets out for Eagle Mountain, prompting a montage of the season’s exciting clips so far.
  • Ebony is deposed by a coup led by a Loco whose voice has been replaced in post-processing by a much larger man. She’s bravely defended by Bray.
  • Trudy goes missing for about 30 seconds, then shows up again.
    • Ross: She’s leaving a note for Bray.
    • Lex Luthor and Ryan run off to “scout ahead”
    • Ross: He’s up to something
    • Leah: He’s leaving a note for Bray too.
  • The tribe’s cart breaks down (!) in the territory of some crazies. Fortunately, at an opportune moment, Lex returns, on a motorcycle, Wearing Tophat’s Top Hat
  • Bray finds the mall abandoned, his car keys abandoned by Amber, and a note saying “Gone to Eagle Mountain”. He gets all depressed, but Ebony has a plan. Leah: (Ebony voice) Let’s go steal Tophat’s motorcycle
  • Leah would like me to reiterate that Lex looks really stupid with his makeup goatee
  • When the tribe is stopped by extras from The Road Warrior, Ebony (!) save the day by showing up with on a bus.
  • Typically, Amber refuses to let Bray explain about that little scene by the pool. Because Bray has always turned out to be duplicitous and selfish, and has time and again proven that he can’t be trusted.
  • Bray asks Ebony to explain that there’s nothing going on between them. Ebony, of course, agrees, but would he mind putting his arm around her as she’s cold. Bray, of course, forgets that Ebony wants to kill Amber and mutilate her corpse.
  • But then, for some reason, Ebony actually does try to convince Amber that Bray won’t have her. I can’t tell if she’s incredibly unconvincing on purpose, or because her actress isn’t a very good actress.
  • At Eagle Mountain, they immediately start wandering around pushing buttons, because the last time they went to a place run by this evil corporation, it blew up. Jack turns on the lights to reveal — I think it may be a TARDIS.
  • When Ebony outs Lex for dumping the antidote, Bray takes the fall. Because Lex and Bray have always been such good friends.
  • Eagle mountain turns out to be a satellite tracking station, which fails to find its satellite, which they all find intensely disappointing, and a sure sign that they are all going to die. I’d be disappointed too, since it failed to find the satellite while showing footage that was shot from a satellite
  • Lex Luthor does Bray a sold by telling Amber what a dumbass she’s being for thinking Bray likes Ebony. They kiss and make up
  • And then the satellite shows up, visible to the naked eye in broad daylight. This prompts a recorded voice to make booming pronouncements about how the tribe here is the last hope for mankind, and it’s vitally important that they do exactly what it says, which is to….

And that’s season one. We’ll pick this up, um, whenever I feel like it.

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