[2 points]

Well, my most popular, or, at least, most cathartic posting (here) is a couple of weeks old now, and in keeping with the slow evolution of my life into a TV show, that means it's time for a sequel.

You will recall that a few weeks ago, the girl with whom I was romantically linked in college (I get that "woman" is really more apropriate than "girl", but every time I see the sentence with the word "woman" in it, the cadence jives wrong) was in town, leading to me seeing her for the first time in several years, and resulting existential angst.

Now, what happened next is an interesting story but not really relevant except insofar as it served as a lens through which to interpret my feelings. What is relevant is what happened after that.

I'm going to see her again this Friday. That's right. She's going to be in town again, and she wants to come out to karaoke again. Yes, karaoke, that miracle healer.

My first thought was, "do not read anything more into this than that she likes karaoke and the show to which I go is, in fact, excellent." My second thought was "Even you can not possibly be that pessimistic." If you trek over into my subconscious, you'll see that my non-waking mind has a different view on the matter.

Exactly what I had feared when she asked to see me weeks ago has come to pass: I can't seem to get her out of my head. This is not really surprising, since it took about a year the last time. Unfortunately, the voices in my head all have different opinions. My conscious mind says "Take this as nothing more than it is: a nice gesture between old friends." My subconscious mind says "Are you blind, man? Hello? Hammer... Useful.... Hammer? [4 points]"

I'm not usually the sort to do cliche and stupid things like making pro/con lists, but I'm also not the sort to do anything at all without worrying about the consequences, so:

Pro: Everyone who is not me who was witness to the last time we hung out together thinks the signs are unequivocal.
Con: My understanding of the reasons that things ended before is not total. My general sense of it is that it was, ultimately, almost but not quite entirely all my fault, and while I think I've grown a lot since then, I am not confident that I will know how to avoid making the same mistakes again.
Pro: My mom and my sister think I should have done it years ago.
Con: She lives two states away
Pro: She likes karaoke
Con: I may come off as insane-stalker-guy.
Pro: (Withheld for dramatic effect)

I can make this list longer I'm sure, but this is as far as the thought experiment ever gets before I hit the thought that makes all the other ones irrelevant.

Looking back over the things I've written this past year, it seems like if I have a literary gift, it's the gift of circumlocution. Whenever I talk about my own feelings or opinions, I'm circituitous about it. I think it comes back to my faith in words. If I don't say it, if I leave myself some room, I'm not tied down. It's not quite real. Safe. Also, it's not like I have infinite time before she happens upon this blog, boosting its readership into, well, single digits.

But there are things in this life that it's worth taking a chance on. I think this is one of them. So I'm going to admit it to myself, and I'm going to admit it to all of you. I don't know what's going to come of it. And I don't know how to go about it. Hell, I can't even guarantee that I won't chicken out even if I do work out exactly how to approach this. But I have to take the chance. Make it real.

Pro: I really, really want to.

I guess that's it then. The other stuff kinda pales in comparison. I started writing this entry days ago, and it hasn't been easy. What comes after this is even harder, and I don't know how to do it (Advice?). But even if I can't make it happen, I am going to try. So in this place and on this date, I'm going to say it, if to no one else but myself.

I want to get back together with her.

Now I just have to work out how.

Two days till volcano day.